Thursday, May 17, 2012

Hop Against Homophobia



Two years ago a friend of mine got divorced after 16 years of marriage. I was so sad for her and for her kids and really, even for her husband, who has since remarried. Divorce is sad and I was telling another friend about it and he agreed. I asked if he ever worried about he and his partner calling it quits. He laughed over the phone and said, "are you high? After 19 years? No, honey we're good. And we can't get a divorce anyway since we're not allowed to get married in the first place."
That's such crap.
I have friends who have been together 22 years, 18 years and  27 years, (they just celebrated last weekend), and all of them are gay and none of them live in a state where it's legal for them to tie the knot.
It's hard to even wrap your brain around it.
I've been seeing all these gorgeous commercials lately for Marriage Equality. The one where the guy comes home from being deployed and proposes to the man he loves, I got all teary. And that fantastic one from Australia where it's a whole timeline of a love affair that leads to a proposal...that one I watched like 5 times in a row. But afterwards, after the shmoopy wore off just like it does after I watch Pride & Prejudice, once the euphoria was over I got mad because really, why the hell do those even have to made? Why do people have to be convinced that this should be a right? Why in 2012 are we even thinking about this anymore? Why isn't it just normal? Why can't men and women marry whoever they love? It's just so illogical, so counter intuitive, that I just sit in wonder and think...how? I've shown those videos to my nine year old son and he was all grossed out NOT because there were men kissing but because ANYONE was kissing. We watch Grimm and he gags, we watch Supernatural and he retches. Not over the blood, no bring on the gore, but the lovey-dovey stuff, that's the part he's all grossed out over. The commentary on Marriage Equality?
"Do you think two men should be able to get married?"
"Yeah, why not?"
Of course why not, because it makes sense.
He has uncles, (who are not blood related to him, but in Hawaii everyone is "uncle" or "auntie" your hanai, or adopted family, being as important as the real one), that are gay. They know, both my kids, my daughter and my son, and they don't care. What matters to them is if you play video games with them when you come over, that you take them to the beach or watch movies on the couch. Kids don't care about "gay" unless they're taught to care. Mine don't care. We should try and make sure that even if kids learn prejudice somewhere that everywhere else around them, they see that it doesn't matter. Its why I love all the Marriage Equality videos and show them to them every time I find a new one. And for me, it's why I write romance. In my world, things work out as they should, because even though I got a D in logic in college, I know what makes sense and the more you put it out there, the more videos there are, the more we talk, the more the President says that it makes sense to him too, the more things will change. We need things to change, it just makes sense.

Over the next four days I will be taking part in the 
 Hop Against Homophobia. If you follow that link, or click the badge at the top of this post, you will get to a page that links to other authors who are also participating. The participants are offering prizes, including me, so please visit as many places as you can.
 The giveaway extends from Thursday, May 17th, to Sunday, May 20th.
* Prizes include a signed paperback copy of Acrobat (which will go anywhere in the world, cross my heart) and any Dreamspinner Press ebook from my backlist of your choice.
*Anyone who comments on THIS POST of my blog is eligible to win.
* Winner will be chosen by the randomizer at nine o'clock, HST, (that’s Hawaii Standard Time in case you weren’t sure) Sunday the 20th.
* I'll announce the winner in a separate post.
* Even though I will post again OVER this post, only people who comment on THIS post will be counted. 
That's it everyone, thank you for stopping by. 

116 comments:

  1. Don't enter me in the contest because I have all your books and you know that, but I love your kids, and their uncles, and you know that too:-)

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  2. Not entering, just showing my support for this great effort. One of my proudest moments as a mom was when my son told me, "It's not gender, color, or religion; it the person I'm attracted to."

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    1. Oh Eden that is a proud moment, that's awesome. Mine aren't quite there yet but we're so on the right track. :)

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  3. Mary, please don't enter me either as I also have all your books. I knew I must have done something right when my older son casually announced one of his close friends was starting the male-to-female process and that her girlfriend was also trans. It turned out that in his circle of friends there were two gays, two trans lesbians and a guy who was bi. Though I never said it to him, I was very proud that his friendship was simply based on who the person was, and not on the packaging.

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    1. Your son sounds awesome, good job Mom. This is what I mean, all that live and let live, starts at home. Thank you for stopping by. :)

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  4. I really don't understand why people have issues with gay marriage, it's not like their right get hurt. It wont affect those homophobes, so why do they care?

    emiliana25ATwebDOTde

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    1. I could not agree with you more. :)

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  5. Kids are clean slates when they're born. It's wonderful when people raise them up to be so open. It horrifies me how some people insist on imprinting hatefulness into their children. So wrong.

    Erica

    eripike at gmail dot com

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    1. Absolutely, that's why I think if they see good messages in school, in the media, and everywhere else then at least they can start to question for themselves. It's why books are so important with messages of love and caring and acceptance. :)

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  6. I have two gay couple friends who were
    married this year one couple has been
    together 27 years and the another who both
    lossed partners and have been together
    six years. This should be there right
    in any state!!!!!

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  7. I totally agree with you. I live in Arkansas. I have several friends that can't get married because of who that love. I've sang in 4 different commitment ceremonies in the last year alone. Whereas they were beautiful dedications they were only symbolic of what should be their legal wedding. It's time we all stood up for equality instead of taking a backseat and watching this pass us by. Thank you for this post.

    morris.crissy@gmail.com

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    1. Thank you for commenting and I agree, we should all do as much as we can. And how lovely that so many people want you to be a part of their special days, that's so wonderful. :)

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  8. No need to enter me in the contest Mary, as you know I have all of your books, but I did want to say thank you for writing this. I know that the couples who have been together the longest are the homosexual ones, the straight, Christian couples that I know have all been married and divorced multiple times. Which is why I can't understand how gay marriage is going to destroy the sanctity of marriage....

    Thank you for writing this. Your son sounds adorable.

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    1. I don't understand either and I think if people actually looked at it logically...people are people. Some will stick it out, my grandparents did for 65 years, and some will divorce, like my folks after 15. Like I said, I have gay friends together for 27 years, and some done after five. But that's marriage. It should be everyone's right that's the point. It just seems so obvious, it's marriage, gay or straight, no difference. My son is nine and he gets it. :)

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    2. Growing up my great grandmother always said "out of the mouths of babes and sucklings..."

      One day we'll get it right, I just hope it's sooner rather than later.

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  9. It should not matter who you want to marry - the only necessity for marriage is that you love one another!! I wish people would quit being so afraid of the what or who other people want in their lives.

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  10. I could never understand why people oppose to gay marriage or fear of anyone being gay and/or different from them. I think everyone should have equal rights and opportunity to live their lives with the ones that they love regardless of gender, race, color as I am also married to my wonderful husband of 11 years that are from different background and ethnicity....It would be a wonderful day in the world when there is equality to all regardless of who you are.

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    1. Oh it would wouldn't it? Equality for everyone just because we're all people? I could start my little rant all over again about logic and how that makes sense. :)

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  11. Great post Ms. Calmes, I've enjoyed several of your books and it pleases me to see so many authors band together in such a worthy cause. Good luck with your efforts.

    Missy Martine
    missymartine@comcast.net
    www.missymartine.com

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  12. Don't enter me because I have your books already :D But I just wanted to tell you how much I heart you! :D

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  13. Please don't enter me in your contest I have all your books. I love kids. If we could all take the chance and learn from them at times, the world would be a better place. It is the adults that eventually screw up the kids by telling them who they should hate.

    My proudest day is when my daughter in Junior High came home to tell me she got into an argument with some friends on the bus. When I asked why she told me that one of the friends made a homophobic comment and she laid into that person for being a bigot.

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    1. Oh another Mom I strive to be like. That's fantastic, she sounds like a girl after my own heart. Awesome. :)

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  14. I wish my state had gay marriage, unfortunately we're in the group that made a constitutional amendment to ban it. A very close friend and her partner have a young daughter and twins on the way. I hate that they can't make their family official just because they are two women, it's not right!

    andreagrendahl AT gmail DOt com

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    1. I agree with you, it's not right at all. Hopefully with all the attention the issue is getting, we can all help to make a change.

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  15. I just adore you Mary, but I think you already know this. Love, love, love the commentary by the kiddos. My kidlet says similar stuff. Though she gets the kissy stuff and is beyond cute about it (to me at least... her uncle Vic is promptly horrified by any hint that she is growing up, lol). Oh, and I love Making Promises also. Yep. Great comfort read.

    cherienoel@yahoo.com

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    1. I feel the same way about you dear and thank you for stopping by. :)

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  16. Hi Mary! I absolutely LOVE your work! I already have the ebook version of Acrobat (LOVED it btw. Dreo? So swoon-worthy! :), but I would treasure a signed copy so I am still entering in your give away. I hope that is ok.

    RE: your post. I absolutely agree with you. I don't understand how marriage equality is an issue in this day and age. How can people can be so vehemently against loving someone and being able to commit yourself to them in the eyes of the law?

    I love your point about how it starts at home. Parents teach their children. Sadly so many teach their children to judge and hate and this shows in so many awful ways.

    I have heard the phrase "The personal is political" so many times and never really connected how it could apply to me. I am not a political person. I think, though, that how I choose to live my life and the values I am passing down to my children- love, acceptance, kindness- really CAN make a difference. Reading your post has reminded me of that so thank you :)

    fionablue23@gmail.com

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    1. You're so welcome and I agree with you, it starts at home. We have to put good strong people out into the world to combat the ugly and the hatred and the ignorance.

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  17. I love reading post like these, my kids are the same way Mary :)

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    1. See, all of us Moms together making the world a better place one kid at a time.;)

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  18. Love should always triumph over hate and I believe it always will.

    kimberlyFDR@yahoo.com

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  19. It doesn't make sense to me. Why are we voting on things that should be basic civil rights??!

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    1. I am as confused as you are. I don't get it either. But the more of us who do vote and who do take a stand, the better it will become.

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  20. Thank you for being part of the blog hop.

    Please enter me in your contest

    yinyang1062 at yahoo dot com

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    1. I will, and thank you too. I saw that your post went up as well. :)

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  21. Thank you - lovely post. And you're absolutely right - people should be able to get married if they want to regardless. It shouldn't matter if it's a man & a woman, or 2 men, 2 women...love is the important part.
    We've made it as far as civil partnerships here in the UK but marriage is still being debated, and sometimes the debate gets ugly :(

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    1. And it stinks that the debate should even have to occur but everybody's voice together will eventually be heard. :)

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  22. Thanks for the great post. Love the pic that you added.

    dannyfiredragon@aol.com

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    1. I have so many beautiful pictures like that one and when you see them you wonder, how could anyone ever think that love between two men, or two women, is anything but dear? It boggles my brain.

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  23. Thank you for the post. You're right it shouldn't matter. It is a basic freedom that is being with held from many. Chris is right- its a basic civil right. It shouldn't even be a question.

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    1. Amen. You have my total agreement, shouldn't even be a question. We will work on it together. :)

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  24. I was also raised not to see differences like this. When my brother sat my parents down at the kitchen table when he was 17, it wasn't shocking. Now he's been in a relationship for over 9 years. As for me, the 35 yo heterosexual sibling, never been in a long term relationship at all. And we're both unnatural to others. None of this should be something we even notice in others.

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    1. Yes! I agree. It shouldn't even be anything we have to talk about but we all will until it goes away. Together we'll fix it. :)

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  25. You are a wise mom with great kids! Keep going!
    Best!
    Barb

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    1. Thank you, I screw up a lot, can't cook worth a damn, am a terrible housekeeper and sometimes my kids' lunches look like they're going to the movies instead of all 4 food groups being represented, but on the whole equal rights issue, that's good in my house. I'll take it. :)

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  26. I couldn't agree with you more. This is something always at the forefront in our household. We fully support our gay friends and family and equality initiatives. But what I wanted to say was something my fiancée told me the other night about anti-gay marriage supporters-

    "Those who impede progress are not generally looked upon kindly in history"

    Some people might think its cheesy, but for some reason it just stuck with me. We are a nation of progress and change; it’s part of what make us great. I agree if we teach our children to love and respect everyone no matter what we will grow in to a better society for all our benefit.

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    1. I don't think that quote is cheesy at all, I love it! And I agree with everything you said. We are a nation of progress and change, we just need to get going already. All of us parenting with the same message, how awesome is that?

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  27. thank you for sharing this with us today. I think this is an important cause that needs the spotlight shining on it.

    musings-of-a-bookworm@hotmail.co.uk

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  28. Makes me angry that people can't express their love by getting married because others see it as wrong *sometimes I just wanna blow them up*. I sort of have no hope for my generation and the one's before, but I believe the children are our future and they will change things.

    I just hope I see it in my lifetime.
    pantsoffreviews@livedot.ca

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    1. And then all of a sudden people will surprise you and we have some change. I still hope that we can get some of it done sooner than later but yes, our children will be a force of good that's for certain. :)

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  29. I whole heartedly agree. It shouldn't matter but to some people it does. I don't get it but eh, I'm a liberal. :-)

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    1. Yeah for the liberals, there's a lot of good ones. Dr.Seuss was one of the best. :)

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  30. I'm hoping that the next generation will lead the way, and that this won't become an issue anymore as time goes on.

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  31. It is so sad to see the discrimination and hate.It can not last,there are too many who feel everyone is equal in all things.

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    1. I agree with you, how can it last when we are going to turn the tide.

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  32. Hi, Mary! Great blog . While it may be true that things are getting better there is still so much to be done for equality for all. I 'm all for m/m books, blogs and open minds.

    thanks, Mary.

    melaniem54(at)msn(dot)com

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    1. I'm for all the things you are Mel and thank you. :)

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  33. Here in my home state (Minnesota) we recently had 2 more teen suicides, one known to be gay-bashing related, the other suspected.

    Thanks for supporting this so important issue, Mary. Good luck with the blog-hop.

    sjmarv11@gmail.com

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    1. That's so sad and so unnecessary, we have to protect our children. And I am so honored to be taking part in the hop with all of you. :)

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  34. I grew up in a very red state. I witnessed so much bigotry as a child. By the time I graduated college I was ready to leave the state for good. I think I gave up on the people there as a lost cause. I mean, Obama lost EVERY county in that state. I hope those close-minded people will evolve someday. It can't happen soon enough.

    geishasmom73 AT yahoo DOT com

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    1. No, it can't happen fast enough, you're right. :)

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  35. My kids have been brought up the same way.

    lenalena54(at)gmail(dot)com

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    1. I've met so many great moms today, teaching their kids about equality. I know things will get better with us all sending the same message. :)

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  36. Great post, sweetie. I'm so glad your kids have aunties and uncles who cover the whole spectrum. :)

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  37. I enjoyed the post, Mary. Thank you so much. tara at taralain dot com. : )

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  38. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uQw0eLzfGNI&feature=youtube_gdata_player

    Really like this guy.

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    1. Oh I loved that! Thank you for sharing it!

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    2. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PD-INsIbVcw&feature=relmfu

      His brother is also very good at explaining reality to the ignorant.

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  39. I am lucky enough to live in a country where everyone can get married. My best friend is gay and has been married twice now (divorced once..), he and his husband have two kids and are deliriously happy! One day soon the rest of the world will catch up, everyone should be able to live their lives and love who they want, regardless of gender, sexual preferences or ethnicity. Love your books, look forward to reading Acrobat :-) Dee

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    1. I love your wish for the rest od the world, I hope so too. :)

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  40. I have all your books Mary, so don't enter me in the comp. I just wanted to say thank you for a very wonderful post and thank you for taking part in our hop.

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    1. It is my pleasure and honor to be part of your wonderful hop. I can't wait to read your follow-up blogs about how it all went. :)

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  41. Good thoughtful post. The world is changing. Too bad it can be so slow.
    KaylaJameth@hotmail.com

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    1. Thank you, and yes, the world is changing, but we might have to jumpstart it a little. :)

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  42. Good blog post. Thanks for adding your thoughts to a great blog hop :)

    penumbrareads(at)gmail(dot)com

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    1. Thank you for stopping by to visit. :)

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  43. who cares who someone loves. there are so many more important things in life than the sex of your partner. life is too short people should be happy when someone finds their life partner whether male,female etc

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    1. Exactly, everyone should be able to love who they love and marry whoever they want.

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  44. Thanks for participating in the hop. This is a great cause that I pray one day will not be needed.

    forettarose@yahoo.com

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  45. I think we should all just be grateful that we can find someone to love. Gender should make no difference.
    Yvette
    yratpatrol@aol.com

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  46. Well said...there is no logic in hate! Why can't they see?

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  47. I totally agree with you. Lovely post. In what you teach your kids you can change the world. I am trying my best and I am glad there are others, who try too.

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  48. I live in Canada, and didnt realize how special it is that my girlfriend not only was able to get married here, but put her wife before they were even married on her work benifits. I was watching a protest on tv and it broke my heart the amount of couples in your country who have been together for years and one of them gets sick and they either cant afford the care or it finacially cripples them.
    IT BOGGLES THE MIND!

    dmbrasco23@yahoo.com

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  49. Awesome post. I couldn't agree with you more.
    Keep those stories coming. Hopefully one day someone who's a homophob will read it and see that we're all the same. We're looking for love,family and a home.

    Chris
    ceagles48218@yahoo.com

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  50. Our new president (I'm from France) said that he will allowed marriage and adoption for gay people during his mandate and I just cannot wait to see it happen.

    Thank you for being part of this hop.

    viggnell(at)gmail(dot)com

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  51. Thank you for all you do to help this great cause!

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  52. Great post, I'm loving reading all the different posts on this hop.

    burchills AT gmail DOT com

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  53. Wonderful, Mary! I hope your friends will soon be able to marry like the rest of us. Keep fighting!
    Thank you for participating in the hop!
    Bella
    bellaleone4 at gmail dot com
    www.bellaleonebooks.com

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  54. Right on sister! The education of the children is the way to go.

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  55. I love that Australian video. I share it on tumblr (and FB) every time I see it.

    It just says it all - there is no difference and everyone deserves the same rights.

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  56. I agree with all you said. It just isn't right that marriage is denied to those who want it. It's hard enough to find the right one without others thinking they can dictate what you should and shouldn't do.

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  57. I love your comments and why SHOULD it make a difference?? I have many friends/acquaintances that are gay and they are no different than anyone else I know. Just like you have said, many are together for longer than most accepted hetero marriages. I know my husband and I are an anomaly since neither of have been divorced and we will be celebrating 32 years this fall.. Very sad. My kids don't care like yours for which I am very grateful.

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  58. I immediately went and looked up the Australian video which was wonderful. I have friends getting married after 2 years of dating but my gay couple friends hav been together for 6 and can't. As someone still in college marriage doesn't seem like a big thing yet but I can do it at any time and they can't.
    OceanAkers@aol.com

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  59. Great post! You're absolutely right, it's a shame people have to be convinced that everybody deserves the right to marry who they love, marriage equality really should be a given. I'm from western Europe and in my country you can "marry" (also not in church) and it is called civil partnership. It's been about a decade or so since and now people wonder why the divorce statistic for same sex couples is so low compared to heterosexuell marriages! Duh! Maybe it really means everything for you if you had to wait so long to finally be able to marry and had to face so many difficulties along the way? And now tell me again why same sex marriage is a threat to "traditional" marriage? Divorce lawyers might become unemployed?

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  60. Clearly your son is a typical 9-year-old. Kissing is gross! But not the fact that it's two men. Good going, Mary!

    ashley.vanburen[at]gmail[dot]com

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  61. Wondful post. It makes no sense at all that prejudices can take away an entire segment of the population's right to call someone else husband (or wife as the case may be). It does seem that children get it right so easily and see a person as just that- a person- without the prejudice so many adults don't seem to be able to let go when they look at another person. Tami B. (tb-kindle@hotmail.com)

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  62. A person can't marry who they love, they can't say the pledge of allegiance in schools, money can no longer have "in God we trust". So many unnecessary prejudices and no idea why.

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  63. As the song from 'South Pacific' says:

    You've got to be taught
    To hate and fear,
    You've got to be taught
    From year to year,
    It's got to be drummed
    In your dear little ear
    You've got to be carefully taught.

    You've got to be taught to be afraid

    Of people whose eyes are oddly made,
    And people whose skin is a diff'rent shade,
    You've got to be carefully taught.

    You've got to be taught before it's too late,
    Before you are six or seven or eight,
    To hate all the people your relatives hate,
    You've got to be carefully taught!

    This song was written in 1949, the year I was born. It's sad that it's still just as relevant 63 years later.

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  64. My brother and his partner are waiting for the same-sex marriage laws in Australia to change....fingers crossed it's on the agenda this year in Parliament. When it happens, then the wedding will happen. About bloody time too!
    kelsey@netspace.net.au

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  65. I think it's AWESOME that your kids don't even question the relationship between their "uncles". My extended family is VERY conservative &, when my aunt was dating/living with a woman, everyone kept saying how they loved her but couldn't condone her relationship. I caught a LOT of crap because I fully supported their relationship. As long as she was happy, I was happy for her.
    It says a lot about the way you raised your kids that they're so accepting of differences.

    Courtney S
    aunt_cori(at)yahoo.com

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  66. Great post Mary!!
    and right? It's just so simple. Why not? I hope someday soon, more people see reason. and that the hate of their parents stop blindly corrupting their kids. It needs to stop.
    Thanks for being a part of this blog hop!!

    Judi
    arella3173_loveless(at)yahoo(dot)com

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  67. Interesting post. Thanks for participating in the HOP.

    gisu29(at)gmail(dot)com

    P.S I love your books and own all of them, including Acrobat, although a signed copy would be great!

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  68. Thank you for sharing. I was discussing gay rights with someone once and they made an excuse for homophobia by saying that homophobia is inherent. That some people are just afraid of gays, like how people with acrophobia are afraid of heights. And I thought about and researched it and found out that children are born with clean slates. (And for all the naysayers, it IS scientifically proven). We're not born fearing anything. Experiences and people influence us for good or for bad. And also, just because you are afraid of something doesn't give you a right to hurt it. Just because clowns scare me doesn't mean I'm gonna go take away their rights or beat them up. Suffice to say, he definitely saw things differently after that. People keep making these excuses for why homophobia is acceptable when it's not. And that's one of the reasons why I love this hop. People are making a stand and saying that there is NO excuse for homophobia and that it needs to end. Thanks so much for participating Mary.

    tiger-chick-1(at)hotmail(dot)com

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  69. Mary I agree that everyone should be able to get married. I have family who have been married and divorced so many times and the sad thing is they take it for granted and can get married again whenever they want. That's just not fair. I love how to kids growing up right seeing two men or woman kissing is not problem, unless they're at that age where kooties are just gross, LOL

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  70. My step-aunt and her partner moved to be able to marry, I wish things were different.

    peggy1984@live.com

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  71. First of all, I think you a super fantastic writer! I loved everything I've read of yours so far.
    Like you said, why do those commercials even have to be made? Where is OUR democracy when we can NOT even have Equality?
    I want to share with you a study done by a panel of Psychologists on homophobia which I found quite interesting. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-big-questions/201106/homophobic-men-most-aroused-gay-male-porn I hope you'll share it with your readers.
    Thanks for being a part of Hop and sharing with us!
    Sandra Rush
    taina1959@yahoo.com
    http://enchantedrosegarden.blogspot.com

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